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This is from the Dilbert Newsletter 29.0, to which I am a subscriber.
True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
I begin the True Tales section with a personal sighting. I
recently came upon a local road that was closed for improvements.
Signs warned "Road Closed" and "Bridge Out." As I turned around
to
head for the detour, another motorist waved me down. We rolled
down our windows and he shouted, "Do you think we should just move
the barricades and go for it?"
I don't know how fast one must drive in order to compensate for a
"Bridge Out" situation, but I decided not to try it.
True Tale 2
-----------
Some of our corporate policies have been rewritten. Here's an
example from our expense reporting procedures.
"Receipts are required for all expenditures of $25 or more and, in
addition to this, receipts for a lesser amount are also required."
Editor's note: It sounds as if some of the people in the HR are
idiots and, in addition to this, the rest of them are too.
True Tale 3
-----------
We received a letter from the Environmental Protection Agency
stating that unless we provided answers to their outstanding
questions within two weeks they would recommend that our power
plant construction project not proceed.
Apparently they failed to notice that, a) we already answered the
questions, b) their approval had already been issued and, c) the
$600 million power plant had been built nearly two years ago.
Editor's note: If those are the sort of questions the EPA calls
"outstanding" I'd hate to hear their dumb ones.
True Tale 4
-----------
We had a Christmas raffle in the "Business Intelligence"
department. The boss drew a number and called it out. The
department statistician stood up to tumultuous applause and went up
to collect his prize. Meanwhile, another employee -- who turned
out to be the real winner -- stood up to collect that same prize.
Upon investigation, the statistician for Business Intelligence had
confused ticket 593 for 539.
Editor's note: On the surface it looks as if the statistician is a
boob. But he's the only one in the room who realized that 39% of
the time the real winner isn't present to win. I suspect he's a
DNRC member just playing the odds.
True Tale 5
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When a project is finished in my department we place a red dot
sticker on the folder to signify its completion. One day we ran
out of red dots but still had a large supply of green and blue
dots. Dots weren't used for any other purpose so I suggested using
the ones we have, despite their non-red color. Color was
insignificant. There were only five of us in the group, so
communicating the change would be easy.
My money-saving suggestion was met with resistance from cow-orkers.
They pointed out that we've "always used RED dots" and maybe I
should check with the department manager. I mentioned my idea to
the manager and he said I should "bring it up at the next staff
meeting."
Editor's note: Ironically, it's not a dot.com company.
True Tale 6
-----------
I paid for lunch with a credit card. The manager put it through
the electronic card machine and got a "no dial tone" error. She
tried again with the same result. Then she asked me if I had
another card.
Editor's note: That's exactly why you should pay for your lunch
using a phone company calling card. They have dial tone.
True Tale 7
-----------
We tested our Y2K power contingency plans a few weeks before New
Year's. The Induhviduals in IT didn't expect any downtime, so the
test was performed during the normal work day. The idea was that
when power was cut, the six generators would kick on and we
wouldn't notice a thing.
Three generators failed to start. Two threw their breakers due to
the high load on them. The last was overwhelmed when the previous
two cut out and threw a tremendous surge through the lines, blowing
up hundreds of light bulbs, frying fax machines, radios and pencil
sharpeners along the way. The surge jumped circuits in our
industrial level surge protector and traveled through our "surge
protected" lines to every desktop in the company plus the server
room. After taking out over a hundred monitors and almost forty
PCs, the surge proceeded to destroy our server room air
conditioner, four huge UPS systems, thirteen servers and both
AS/400s. Several small fires started throughout the building,
including our now half-melted Christmas tree and our
molten-menorah.
The surge then jumped the lines into the main power grid, blowing
up two transformers, one of which fell on the IT manager's car
(poetic justice) and cutting power on the entire block. The
remaining generator then proceeded to burst into flames, eventually
blowing up all six generators and burning up seven cars.
This all occurred within about thirty seconds and sent 38 people to
the hospital, cost the company over $650,000 in equipment (not to
mention the impending lawsuits), destroyed eight cars and caused
weeks of downtime. Three people quit the company. One woman is
still in the hospital with electrical burns. The resulting
publicity got us on television in five states.
Editor's note: That story sounds too amazing to be true but I'm
printing it anyway under the theory that there's no such thing as
bad publicity.
True Tale 8
-----------
Our university library just got new computers. The library
thoughtfully provided headphones so students can listen to sound
files without disturbing anyone nearby. The problem is the
headphone cords have been clamped to the desk in such a way that in
order to use them, you must have your head no more than six inches
from your keyboard. It is great fun to see the stu-duh-nts trying
to use them.
True Tale 9
-----------
I went to a Georgia DMV office to obtain a driver's license.
Customers are required to produce two pieces of ID. I presented a
utility bill and a copy of my latest tax return, both acceptable
types of ID according to their published list.
The agent behind the counter said she could not accept my tax
return as ID because it was typed. She said, "How do we know this
is legitimate? Anyone can get a computer or typewriter to produce
this return." I argued, unsuccessfully, that it was also easy to
obtain pens and pencils to create hand-written returns. I was told
to come back with a hand-written return or another acceptable form
of ID.
True Tale 10
------------
I went to a fast-food restaurant one morning for breakfast. The
moment I opened the door, I was almost swept off my feet by an
overpowering odor of gas. I struggled up to the counter out of a
vague sense of duty, and said "You've got an enormous gas leak
back there somewhere!" gesturing towards the kitchen.
The girl behind the counter shrugged and said, "Yeah, I know, but
I've been here since seven o'clock and I've gotten used to it."
True Tale 11
------------
I went to ask our new principal if we could have the Monday before
finals off as a study day. We had always gotten a study day in the
past but it wasn't on the schedule this time. He thought for a
second and then responded, "No, you have school that day."
True Tale 12
------------
About a year ago I went to buy a video for a friend's birthday.
The video was rated for adult viewing only. I was 15 years old,
but they sold it to me anyway.
When I got home I found out that my friend wanted the sequel, not
the original, so I took it back to the store. The video clerk said
he couldn't return the video because I didn't look 18.
I was confused, so I attempted to clarify. "So, because I don't
look 18 you're going to MAKE me take this ADULT-rated video, rather
then let me change it for the sequel that is NOT ADULT-rated?"
"Yeah, it's company policy. If it changes we'll be in touch."
Eventually I convinced him he was breaking the law by selling me
the adult video instead of letting me exchange it for the non-adult
one. As I left, the guy behind the counter yelled at me, "Next
time, don't watch the video first!"
It was still in its shrink-wrap.