The First entry in the all new "Rated" articles.

Super Powers

We all see the super powers in comics, and wish we had them for practical uses, like kicking our neighbors ass.  I can say that because I have no neighbors to the left or right of me.  But are these powers really worth it?

Beast:  This guy became really muscular (like the Hulk), changed an odd color (like the Hulk), and got real hairy (like...uh).  Is all that blue hair worth it?  Hell yes.  Now he is like a big teddy bear that all the woman just want to hug.  Well not really, but if I wrote the comics he would get ALL the chicks.  That is probably a good reason why they didn't hire me, that or because I never sent in my resume.  Not that I have one.  B-

Hulk:  "Hulk smash puny humans, why puny humans not leave hulk alone?" I think that sums it up.  D-

Cyclops:  He always has to wear red glasses.  And they are really expensive to buy.  Imagine when you get older, you would have to buy Bifocals.   And if you ever looked over the top of them, you vaporize whatever you were looking at.  On the plus side, you can blast things to pieces.  And you never have to worry about swarms of knats on camping trips.  B

Apocalypse:  Ultimate powers, ugly looking blue jump suit that includes an over-sized "A" belt buckle and tubes connecting his hips to your elbows.   But the immortality is a nice advantage.  A

Marrow:  Are you kidding me?  She not only has pink skin (which is okay if you have a weird fetish) but she has bones that stick out everywhere until she pulls them out.  Ech.  On the upside, you always have a bone knife handy.   D

Rogue:  Lets see, fly around, super strength, absorb other peoples powers and memories, not bad.  What?  You cannot touch anyone at all without hurting them?  Guess that means you will be wearing full-body condoms.  But its the southern accent that really ruins these powers.  D-

Spider-man:  What the hell?  He gets bitten by a radioactive spider and he gets all these powers?  I think more likely he would get a nasty itch.   But the powers are nice.  B+

Banshee:  He yells real frickin loud.  Do I need to spell it out for you?  But hey, no side effects, unless the power does not keep you from getting a soar throat all the time.  A+

Mr. Sinister:  Pretty much like apocalypse except he has this huge urge to do science, which is okay by me.  Unfortunaley, he has a really bad tan, completely powder-donaugt white.  I figure, just get a tanning booth and you are all set.  And if that does not work, just blast anyone who looks funny at you (works for Apocalypse).  A+

Those that did not make the cut:

The Shoveler (along with the rest of the Mystery Men cast)
Duff Man (With a few drinks, he cannot feel pain)
Tubbo (Hes just real fat...actually, DC comics REALLY DID make a super hero like this, oh wait, Marvel made a supervillian like this too.  What the hell are they thinking?)
Ass man (you don't want to know)
Easy Mac Man (he can make macaroni faster then anyone)
Eumenides (great powers, but he was a little to unpredictable)
Megabyte Man (he seemed promising, but on closer inspection, he just sat around programming)
Dead Man (his power just worked once)
Skittle (she could instill fear into the hearts of men and woman everywhere, but she turned out to be a little "too friendly" with super villians)
Hockey Man (good pucking skills, but thats it)
Mad Scientist Man (looked promising, but he was eaten by one of his creations)
Rip Van Winkle (he is near immortal, as long as he is sleeping)