Dear Panajian,
You are a little twig.  I will smash you into pieces!  Grrraaarrr.

-Garadun

Dear Garadun,
You shall not stand before my mystical might!

Dear Panajian,
I am a disgruntled consumer whom just bought a $60 PC game called DiabloII. The game was great, until a patch called 1.02 came out. Now the game crashes every 5 minutes. I am asking, why the hell does it do that, and why the hell don't the producers of the game do anything about it?

-Claymore

Dear Claymore,
Just wait until the next patch fixes everything, and if it doesn't, hide in FEAR!

Dear Panajian,
What rots away your brain more?  TV, Computers, or Brain Sucking Zombies?

-Brainless

Dear Brainless,
Actually none of those rot your brain away more then time.  The only way to save yourself is to have your body cryogenically frozen.  Hurry!  Before it's too late.

Dear Panajian,
I have recently taken up an interest in hampsters. It started as a normal obsession, but now I find myself taking them out of their cages late at night. At first, they just slept beside me, but now we have hot sex at least once a night.  What should I do, there wouldn't be a problem but my mom keeps asking questions and my friends won't stay the night with me anymore?

-Hampster horny

Dear Hampster horny,
I found your letter very disturbing.  I had to take a shower because of it.  Maybe you should get rid of those hampsters.

Dear Panajian,
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 10 and rolls in packs of 12?

-WienerBoy

Dear WienerBoy,
Many will tell you that they are trying to get you to buy more packages of each to get an even number, this is simply not true.  The real deal is that the roll company and hotdog company do not chat about this.  They just package them in a number that is easiest for them.

 

Dear Panajian,
How come I cannot get those last few drops in a soda can?

-Caffene High

Dear Caffene High,
Those last few drops consist mainly of your own spittle, just leave them alone.

 

Dear Panajian,
How come I am not world leader, huh?

-Supreim

Dear Supreim,
First of all, you cannot be to smart if you spell your own name wrong. Second, your not going anywhere with that attitude.

 

Dear Panajian,
I am having a problem.  The other kids on my baseball team hate me.  How can I change this without quitting?

-OCD

Dear OCD,
Your asking the wrong person.  I asked Garadun on this one:

"Huh.  Well OCD, you can always take a baseball bat and beat them.   It won't get them to like you, but the ones who don't go to the hospital will respect you.  Or you could just conform to the masses and try to act like them.   But it's best if you do your own thing, be who you are.  Who cares what those grass-eaters think?"

 

Dear Panajian,
What are in hotdogs?

-Unsure

Dear Unsure,
Do you want a damn hotdog or not?  Ignore whats in them.

 

Dear Panajian,
What is the meaning of life?

-UltimateHa

Dear UltimateHa,
What, you don't know?  I thought everyone did.  It's quite simple really.   Trick is, you have to figure it out.

Dear Panajian,
What are those bumps under my cover when I pull them over me.  They stick up under the cover and have 5 little toe-like digets. There are 2 of them.  They only appear for some reason when my feet are under the cover.  I hit them once with a rock but then my foot started hurting!!

-Hue G. Rection

Dear Hue G. Rection,
Those are bed bugs.  Best way to get rid of them is to sleep without any blankets, for the rest of your life.  And why did you bring a rock to bed with you?

Dear Panajian,
I just got in trouble for sneaking out of the house when I was grounded.  How can I stop getting caught?

-Vroom

Dear Vroom,
Stop sneaking out.

Dear Panajian,
Why do my shoes turn green when I mow the lawn?

-PushyMower

Dear PushyMower,
The pigment from the grass (chlorophyll) is getting on your shoes and dying them green.  But just to make sure, get rid of any lawn gnomes you may have.

Dear Panajian,
Why is your name panajian? Do you like pajaimas?  Maybe your just afriad to admit your really a GIRL!!!!

-Skeptic

Dear Skeptic,
My name was given to me when I mastered the mystic arts, it is from an ancient language meaning "One who knows all".  I would not be afraid to admit it if I was a girl, and I hope all the woman in your area beat you.

Dear Panajian,
What is the square root of the circumfrence of a frog's behind.

-Curious

Dear Curious,
While I have no idea why you want to know that, the size of a frogs behind varies.  But if you could measure the length of one cheek to the other, multiply that number by Pi.

Dear Panajian,
When ever i sit at my computer it smells like foot... ive searched every where for the smell and it seems to be "hanging" in one place... what the heck is it and how do i get rid of it....

PS. no it is not me... even my sister smells it while i am gone...

-Haunted by a foot

Dear Haunted by a foot,
You can buy several smell removers that remove smells from carpets, try using one of those around the carpeted area.  Then wash the sides of the computer with a washcloth.  Try lighting scented candles to cover the smell.  But with the way computers are now a days, you might just wait a week for your computer to be obsolete and go buy a new one.

Dear Panajian,
I have a really big problem.  My step father use to beat me and, when I was 7, he kicked me in the balls and every since then, I talk like a girl.  I get made fun of alot (of course) and it's doesn't help that I'm gay.  Do you have any suggest that might help me with my life?

-girly man

Dear girly man,
That's really my area of expertise, being more social.  But I think the obvious answer is to get a sex change, or become a cross-dresser. 

Dear Panajian,
What's on the other side of the edge of the universe?

-Sproket

Dear Sproket,
Actually, there is no edge.  Space-time (fourth dimension) is warped by matter into a spherical shape.  Travel far enough in one direction in space, and you will be right back where you started.  Think of it as walking on a three-dimensional planet.